MIXED FEELINGS

It's been a somewhat frustrating week as the Baby hasn't slept much during the day, but on the other hand the recompense for this has been that he has slept from his bedtime right through until 5a.m.-ish.  Not only is that quite a stint for a baby who is not yet 3 months old, but also he's quite good at going to sleep in his cot in the evening even if he finds it difficult to fall asleep and stay asleep during the day.  5a.m. is not brilliant as the rest of the household gets going sometime between 6 and 6.30, so I have no chance to fall back to sleep - but on the other hand I've gone to bed at about 8.30p.m. a couple of times.  This again doesn't leave much time for doing anything however - or for making phone calls.

Bristol Friend S. sent me an email today and I really wanted just to pick up the phone and have a chat, but the opportunity hasn't arisen: sorry Bristol Friend S.  Some day!  I did try to phone my sister for the first time in months last week but her phone was engaged and then the Baby got hungry.  I also phoned my mother but she was out and my Dad was in, so I was able to pass on the message that a parcel had arrived (Oldest Son is 7 tomorrow) but didn't have a long chat. 

I met up with H-of-the-beautiful-blog last week (if any of you haven't yet visited it, you really should) and asked New-Post-Natal-Friend E along as well.  I really enjoyed chatting with them and the babies were great, and they seemed to get on well, which was nice.  There's something very satisfying about your friends being friends, or potentially friends, with each other as well as with you.  I think I perhaps just like the feeling of a big network of friends who all know each other and get on together and who arrange to do things together when I'm not around.

Unfortunately I let some other friends down though.  The Baby had a cold so I couldn't risk going to see a former work colleague who has cancer, and having said I'd meet up with some other former work colleagues afterwards (and even suggested a venue) I just felt too knackered.  I then felt bad - and I hope they won't all be really offended - that I then got a text from Husband who suggested I go into Carlisle to see him for lunch (he offered to pay), which meant that he was able to cuddle the Baby for a bit (not that the others couldn't have done: most people are more than willing to cuddle him, especially if he rewards them with one of his glorious cheeky smiles).  Somehow just driving into Carlisle and being bought lunch just seemed less effort than driving down the motorway to Penrith, but what I should have done if I'd had the sense was go to bed.  Instead, as the Baby stayed asleep for a while for a change, I ended up doing some ironing.

The ironing pile remains fairly constantly of pretty mountainous proportions, and the washing seems endless.  What with Husband's soggy running kit, sweaty gym kit, the Baby's frequent changes due to milk posseting etc., and then the children's inclination to get anything they possibly can on their clothes (mud, food, paint....), the washing machine is kept pretty busy.

During all of this however I did manage to practice a bit for Carlisle Festival (I am so glad I didn't decide to do lots of new pieces); email two organisations about the possibility of singing in schools and being paid to do so; began to revise my 'alternative' CV; and finish off draft one of my Opera programme for Radio Cumbria (I hope they like it - I'm not sure whether to phone S.G. to see what he thinks or not).

Carlisle Festival I have very mixed feelings about.  Having surprised myself and done well in the duet class last year, this year the duet floundered rather: though I think we both felt we hadn't really had enough practice, and I think next year one of the duets I'd do will be one which my particular 'duet partner' (duettist?) and I performed at the kids' school rather than the one we did this year.

Feeling brave - or rash - this year I entered 5 solo classes as well.  For every entry bar one I obtained 84 marks - a 'commended' performance (the other got 83 which is a merit) - but by the end of the morning session I felt very amateur and wondered whether I really should be there.  My singing teacher had also entered some classes though and had heard me, and she said I should, which made me feel a bit better and I started the afternoon feeling more relaxed and more inclined just to enjoy it: after all I enjoy performing, in a rather masochistic way.  However my first performance of the afternoon was Vaughan Williams The Call, which I have always found incredibly difficult to remember the words to.  Sure enough I fluffed them!  I then, in the second class, sang Mozart's Porgi Amor, which I felt was the thing I sang best all day: but I still got 84 marks.  Hey ho.  I do of course also feel disappointed that I didn't come 2nd or even win a class (I came 2nd in the unaccompanied folk song class, but there were only 3 entries), but I have to admit that I could see that the other performances were better than mine.

The question is, of course, whether or not I could do better.  I feel that I was more emotional - in a positive way - when pregnant and that both my vocal performances and also my writing were far more energetic and more full of emotional expression.  Is this due solely to pregnancy hormones or is it that I'm now just tired?  I'm not aware of feeling too tired but on the other hand I lose my temper with the children less, just because I don't have the energy to!  So I guess it's a case of seeing what happens over the next few months, as the Baby gets more settled: and perhaps seeing how I do in my Grade 8.  Maybe the examiner just happened to like my voice for my Grade 7 and it was a one-off.  It's so difficult: singing mattered so much to me at University but I was pretty rubbish at it; now it's sprung back into my life, with almost no invitation or effort initially from me, and seduced me all over again. Again I've fallen in love with singing and therefore want to do well: but it's a fickle master it seems.  I was so pleased with my Grade 7 result but now I feel somewhat despondent.

On the other hand Running Friend P. came up this afternoon and we went for what was probably a 6-mile run.  Considering this was only my second run in about 9 months I was pretty pleased with myself.  The thing I shall have to work on is being able to talk while I run, as I've always been able to but it was harder today.  I've also been given a 3-wheeler off-road buggy, the same as I bought myself when I had Son No.1, so I'm hoping to get out on some more strenuous off-road walks with the Baby and perhaps also run with it. The book Husband bought me All Terrain Pushchair Walks (North Lakeland) will now get some use - and the buggy has arrived just in time for the spring and summer too!

Meanwhile singing and French lessons both begin on 30th March....