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| My best 'accident' |
I've always felt - and this has probably been clear from my blog posts - that a lot of life happens by accident, or Fate. We take one step in one direction and suddenly find we are heading off down a road which we never expected to be heading down: quite often with no map. In fact, in my experience if one tries to follow a particular route too strictly, without being tempted by detours to right or left, then it doesn't normally turn out quite the way one expects - or at least, isn't quite as exciting as one expected anyway. Perhaps it's fear of being let down or of not succeeding, but I feel that adhering too firmly to any one goal - particularly one that is a long way ahead - is always a let-down. I was completely sold on the idea of being an opera singer at one point: not only was the goal unrealistic, but accepting that was emotionally hard and left a void in my life. On the other hand I was never 'desperate' to have children - in fact I had come to the conclusion that I was too old to have any - and I somehow have ended up with three. And career-wise I've tended to apply for jobs because I just fancy them rather than with any particularly clear career goal in mind.
I think I've also learnt over the past year or so that it's no good trying to read Fate into things either: she doesn't show her cards that readily and it's only with hindsight that her hand becomes clear. I was thinking that Fate might be pushing me in the direction of writing, presenting and music (broadly): that does not now seem to be happening, although I shall still make some more laid-back efforts in that direction. Perhaps I've had my 15 minutes of fame: the Radio and newspaper coverage about my third pregnancy was a surprise to me and perhaps that is now all over. Fame certainly does not seem to be a goal you can chase.
Having said that, I haven't had a huge amount of luck applying for surveying/property jobs recently either. On the other hand there aren't many around and at least I have 20-odd years' pretty varied experience. I will have to make efforts to get one and part of me has a fear that my age and the fact that I want part-time work will count against me: but I'm also conscious that I need to try to remain positive and optimistic. Something else I've always had a belief in is the power of positive thinking: I think it was Jane Fonda who said 'you can take anything in life and concentrate on the negative, but the positive beauty of it can change your life'. I've probably quoted that in this blog before as I love it so much.
I felt negative today. I'm tired as I've been staying up late reading The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini. I nearly put it to one side during the first chapter as initially I didn't think I was going to like the writing style: by Chapter Two I was completely hooked. It was really interesting to read more about Afghanistan, having read that other book about a more recent Afghan past, which was about women: this takes place partly prior to the Taliban and concentrates more on two boys growing up at first, than on the political background: which of course is exactly how the boys would have perceived their lives. As an aside, I've been trying to get Older Son to do a project on the Second World War - he hasn't been very interested despite the fact that I've been trying to get him to look at it through the eyes of people who would have been his age (roughly) throughout the war, i.e. his grandparents - so I've decided that I'm going to start a second blog about it myself. A side-effect of reading the book has been that it made me realise that Afghanistan, like so many other places in the middle and far east (Lebanon?) must once have been a beautiful place rather than a war-torn desert.
As well as sitting up late reading and hence being tired (due to also being woken up early: I'd never make a farmer or a dog-owner) I've also got rejected for a job (because I didn't have the right experience and another candidate did, which is fair enough); had my opera programme rejected by Radio Cumbria (also fair enough: I knew it wasn't good enough and they said it would take too much training to get me/it to the right standard, especially with cuts in expenditure); and feel worried about the Baby's reticular testicles which Husband thinks are fine but I know that they've been more up than down the last few weeks - I shall phone the Doctor on Monday. I also worry about his weight and am annoyed with myself for not losing any more weight myself (I ought to try on some work trousers to see whether I can actually get into them). Whilst I feel fitter my heart rate monitor at the gym seems to indicate that I'm not. At very nearly 50 I'm not meant to be exercising at the heart rate I was exercising at 10 years ago: and at one point yesterday it seemed to be rather leaping around, suddenly dropping and then increasing again.
However I'm going for a run outside tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to, especially as the forecast is no longer for rain. I shall have to make myself run or cycle or swim in the evenings this week as I won't get my two gym sessions in: the Older Son and Daughter have a swimming lesson every morning in an attempt to get them both to swim properly without armbands, and I think I'll book them in for another week later on in the holidays as well. I'm determined to get them swimming properly: it's maybe something else which I shouldn't try too hard with, as it'll happen when they want it to rather than when I think it should. Ditto the Baby's crawling (he is now sitting quite nicely, though he's still a bit inclined to lean over one way or the other and end up flat on the floor).
How does one get the balance between drive - taking the step on the road and then keeping going rather than giving up at the first hurdle? - and being open to new opportunities and ideas? I don't know. I shall just finish with some other quotations of John Lennon's I rather liked, from a website I found through a search engine - http://brainyquote.com/. So here is JL again:
"Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty".
I like this one as it reminds me of me. Sometimes I think I'm a failure: other times I'm incredibly pleased with myself.
"You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!"
What a boost to your self-assurance, if you allow it to be.
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