CROSS

I am cross today.  Here is the list of bad thoughts:
- went to bed with a headache; woke up with a headache; headache got worse when children got home from school
- why does everybody else make a mess and expect me to clean it up?
- Husband does a ridiculous number of hours for his poxy little job which pays hardly anything (he's worth more but has lacked the confidence or drive or something to go for it: I was earning stacks more than he is by the time I was his age) and still expects me to do all the housework and look after the children
- it's not worth trying to write as the Baby doesn't sleep enough during the day to let me get anything down on paper
- it's not worth trying to teach as I don't have any time to plan, prepare or practice
- all I do is drudgery from morning till night without a word of thanks, with naughty children and no money
- it's not worth trying to do any singing practice as  a) I don't have time   b) I'm too cross to sing.

I know I shall feel better tomorrow after I've been to the gym; I would also feel better if I did some singing practice.  But as for the writing and teaching, I am rapidly beginning to feel that I just don't have time to do them properly (and I'm not prepared to do things sub-standard and rushed), and that I may as well just get a 'proper' job.  As the only way I can get one which pays enough is to work full-time, then perhaps that's what I should do.  I don't want to leave the Baby, though.....

Reading a friend's research paper on the effects of migration on professional women has made me feel crosser, as it highlights that professional women's careers go down the thingy and that they end up doing more housework, feeling deskilled etc., when they migrate: that's exactly how I feel at the moment.  I've never felt isolated up here: the opposite in fact, I've made lots of new friends and acquaintances and getting involved in the musical life of the area has been a huge boost from that point of view.  But my career has slid further and further into the murky depths since having children, and that's been exacerbated by moving to Cumbria.

But you all know about the positive side of living in Cumbria as well from my other posts...