HIGHS AND LOWS

Oh my goodness!  Well over a week - even maybe a fortnight - since I last blogged.

I intended to on Monday evening as I had an experience which made me question Fate again.  I had a phone call from the bride of a wedding I sang at.  She was phoning to say 'thank you' for my singing, and that she had had lots of comments on how special the service was, especially my singing.  It made me feel great and I thought it was really lovely that she had phoned (I'm just awaiting the cheque in the post now).

I then put the phone down to find I had missed a call from Cumbria County Council.  I phoned back: they didn't want me for the job I had applied for.  I felt low: I think primarily just due to being rejected rather than because I cared about that particular job, although I did feel I could have done it.  I did also rather feel that I was too woolly in the interview though and also - my usual problem - too open and informal; and that my presentation wasn't very good.  Doing it only a couple of times at home with a couple of glasses of wine first is probably not wise.

Today I also got rejected for the Board of Tullie House Museum, which in a way was a relief as I was beginning to think that I have enough on what with trying to generate work, write, and the other various committees I am on - and of course the children and the work I am already doing, and choir.  However they rejected me in a really nice way which didn't make me feel rejected at all as they want me for the Board of the Trading Company - i.e. all the commercial stuff.  I have to admit - much as my Husband is rude about 'agents' - that I LIKE selling things.  I always have done: ever since a school fair where there were two boxes of apples left and I stood out on the high road shouting like a market vendor in order to sell them (I was successful), or when I used to help my Mum on the Embroiderers' Guild cake stall .  I loved selling properties at auction for BW: little parcels of land which appeared to have little value but which went for high prices as paddocks, or purely from wishful thinking on the part of the purchaser.

I have to admit I do sometimes wonder where I'm going wrong in Cumbria, when I just seemed to walk into jobs down south: and had bosses who always seemed to be pleased with me.  Has it all changed purely because I have children now, or is it that I have become more bolshie as I have got older?
So last week was a busy week.  I had plenty of things to prepare and rehearse for: my first aerobics class, the presentation for my interview and singing in the church.  Whilst they all mattered, I think the one which possibly mattered the most was the singing: I have so much emotional baggage tied up in singing, as anyone who has followed my blog all along will know.  To receive such positive feedback gave me a warm glowy feeling: it really counted for something.

Another low however was Husband saying he'd get a job in Aberdeen for £35k p.a.   If he did we'd be no better off than now - probably slightly worse off - and I would be unable to teach singing, teach aerobics or go to choir during the week.  I am really enjoying choir at the moment, not only because of the repetoire but also because it is some time for me: just for me.  Even when I'm at the gym I'm conscious that Edward (the Baby) is in the creche and that I have to get back for him by a certain time, or that I will be called if there is a problem: I don't really get away from him.  That sounds awful as I adore him, and the other two, but on Tuesday  nights I go to choir and sing and concentrate on the music and I need not worry about the children at all as I know that David will put them to bed and David will deal with any problems.  I also don't have to influence anyone else: I'm not trying to teach anyone, I need only think about myself and how my singing is going and how I fit into the choir.  The only demand on me is to sing well, and (mostly) I can cope with that one and I enjoy it.

The week began with my feeling quite low: Husband doesn't normally get worried about money himself, and he clearly was.  But as the days have progressed I don't feel as if either of us feels so bad.  I know I need to start earning more money but I'm sure it will happen.  I had a chat with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Liz (also 50 this year) last night and she was sure the singing teaching (for example) will pick up: likewise a new friend, Vicar Edward's wife Alison, also felt that it would suddenly all snowball.  I think they're right.

Meanwhile I wait to hear from a leisure centre in Carlisle as to whether I might get another aerobics class to teach: and I'm going to try to sell a few things on eBay.

It's not possible to live in Cumbria and stay unhappy for too long.