BABY SHOWER

Husband's brother and wife-to-be have been staying with us since 23rd December.  She's one of those people who always sees the good side of everybody and is incredibly tolerant and forgiving, with a big, warm, open heart.  So perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised when she suggested organising a Baby Shower for me (she's also a big kid who loves parties and presents and such like!).

As an aside, it was touching that the other day when we were in the car coming back from Lanercost, Son said to her (J) 'I hope Uncle P doesn't ever get a different girlfriend', and Daughter chipped in her agreement.  They both love Aunty J to bits: certainly we all feel that she's part of the family and hope it stays that way: all the signs are that it will.

The Baby Shower was relatively small but it was nice as it meant that we all fitted into the sitting room and were able to talk.  The tree lights were on, and some classical music, and Uncle P and Aunty J had gone to M&S and got sandwiches and dips and crudities and crisps - and cakes (which latter Duaghter had her eye on from the moment she saw them!).  I got stacks of presents, both for the baby and for me, including some pairs of socks: something I have nothing of so far for him.  It was like having Christmas Day or my birthday all over again.  I couldn't resist using a Soap and Glory Breakfast Body Scrub (http://www.soapandglory.com/) in the shower this morning: it's not a brand I've come across before but is lovely.  I felt very spoilt.

I did say at one point that I was beginning to panic a bit and to think 'I don't want a third child': probably not the best thing to say in a room of women where 3 of them have had fertility problems, though I did point out that I thought it was just last minute nerves.  What I'm particularly nervous about is lest there's something wrong with him which hasn't been picked up on scans, via the amniocentesis, etc.: I just have this niggling fear.  I think it's just that having got pregnant unexpectedly and so late in life, and feeling so lucky to have the two we have already, I almost feel that I just don't deserve a third healthy baby.  Logic tells me there has been nothing to indicate that he won't be healthy though, so I pray he will be: I hope also as happy and as bright as the other two.

Breastfeeding got mentioned yesterday, which sent my stress levels suddenly rocketing.  I think if I hear any more advice about 'how to' and 'what helps' and 'just perservere' I shall scream (or wring somebody's neck).  If you're dripping milk from 8 months pregnant then it's almost bound to be easy: I got so fed-up with being told by one midwife last time that the baby was latching on fine and then by another that she wasn't.  I'm perfectly aware of all the top tips, and I hope I'll be able to make a success of it this time.  I have just found a website which had some comments from a few years ago from women who had been in a similar situation, which was funny and reassuring: one woman had given up after initially trying with her first 2 children, but wanted to try again with no.3 and was again having problems.  The comments and help which followed, from women who had had similar issues, were funny and brought tears to my eyes as well: and I felt so much empathy for the woman who had said that she didn't want just to be told to perservere.  If I breastfeed for 3 or 4 months I shall feel I have succeeded: and from what they were all saying it does sound as if you need to stuff a good load of boob into the baby's mouth. 

I have to say that part of me in any case finds breastfeeding a bit of an invasion of privacy/slightly embarrassing.  That's my problem, not caused by anyone else, and I know I have no reason to think that way, but that's how I feel: possibly because it didn't work previously.

What was positive however was that J. mentioned that her sister had had problems breastfeeding and stopped, so I've sent her a message via Facebook.  I think I'd far rather speak to women who have had problems breastfeeding - whether or not they have given up (perhaps especially if they have given up) - than ones who have been milk-rich nutrient providers for their babies for up to a year or more.  Perhaps it's selfish of me but I'm going to want my life back: to be able to go to choir, to singing lessons, to get a job or various jobs/pieces of work - I don't want to be a milk producing machine.

Well, he'll be here soon.  Two more sleeps.... we still have a load of christmas thank you letters to write but I thought that I might possibly be able to include some photos of the baby with them if we leave them until next week.  P. & J. go back up to Aberdeen tomorrow, so I think that will be the opportunity to take the tree down.  It always makes me a bit sad, putting all the decorations and lights away: the world suddenly seems so much more drab, especially in years where there is no snow (and ours has nearly all gone now: the world is rather rainy and grey at the moment).

Husband feels that 2011 may be a difficult year, particularly if he has a more senior job as well as our having a newborn.  I think it may be a joyful year: a new, more senior job would be far more fulfilling for him and less annoying and frustrating than his current job, where he does stacks of overtime for little reward; and I'm still hoping that I get new work, perhaps in a different field.  I'm optimistic that the newborn may prove to be - as so many third children seem to - an easy-going little chap who fits in with everybody else, because he has to.  Having said that I don't want him to be a walkover or a doormat: and I'm not sure I could have much more pleasant-natured a Son than the one I already have.

We'll see!