TIREDNESS: OR PARANOIA?

Another beautiful evening after a drizzly, windy day.  The evening sun isn't quite as golden as yesterday but somehow is brighter, lighter.

I got a phone call from Newcastle Royal Victoria Infirmary today: i.e. I'm in the high risk category for Down's Syndrome.  The good news is that my purely age-related risk was 1 in 10 and the nuchal scan and maternal serum screening has lowered the risk to 1 in 51.  The bad news is that medically anything worse than 1 in 150 or even 1 in 250 (depending which consultant you speak to) counts as a high risk.  I had an amniocentsis booked in Carlisle already, just in case, so I shall keep that appointment.  Not quite sure whether to take the children or not as they'll be on holiday then.

My main feeling is one of disappointment.  I was rather hoping the risk might come down to something like 1 in 300, which is what it was for Son, but I guess if they take age into account there's a limit to just how much the risk can be lowered.  Unfortunately nobody was able to tell me the mathematical probability (I did ask), as if someone had said that I was definitely still going to be high risk anyway I would have saved myself the money and the trip to Newcastle and gone straight for the amnio: particularly as the Newcastle consultant was fairly grumpy and non-committal.

What worries me is that the negative part of me has already more-or-less convinced myself that I'm carrying a baby with Downs: and my worries multiplied when a friend sent me a text asking me how I felt; what my 'gut reaction' was.  I don't know what I'll do if I have a baby with Downs.  Some people would envy me having a third child at all: but I don't actually think I'm a tolerant enough mother to cope with a disabled child.  On the other hand I do not think I could have a termination and I also think that things occur for a reason and you just have to get on with it.  It could also be a lot worse than Downs: I only have to remind myself of London Friend F. whose second daughter was badly brain-damaged at birth and who may never walk nor talk, a situation for which London Friend and her husband were completely unprepared.

Friend-who-has-just-Adopted and who is gloriously positive pointed out that a 1 in 51 chance means 2% likelihood of Downs and 98% chance of not having Downs: so fingers crossed.  I feel rather ashamed of myself being so negative but put it in part down to tiredness.  Daughter came through at about 2.30 this morning and when I went to get in her bed instead of being squashed on the edge of mine, I found her duvet was soaking.  We've put her back in nighttime pants as she's - unusually - had regular accidents at night recently - but the Tinker had taken them off, so when she made her own bed wet she came through to ours. 

I was then awake until about 5 a.m. as once I'd woken up my mind was a whirl of questions and considerations about getting a new job when you're pregnant; writing to David Cameron to tell him what he should do about the public sector; writing to Mike Mitchelson (local councillor) to tell him what he should do to get more rental income coming in for the Council... etc.  In the end I got up and sent some emails, found some job websites, and wrote a list of other things I need to do.

Son beautifully read Tiddler by Julia Donaldson to Daughter and me at bedtime.  I've suggested he take it into school to read to his class.  It's been one of my children's favourites since we acquired it, but it was lovely to have him reading to me rather than the other way round.

We went to see former neighbours K&E on the way home from school today, who have a new Border Collie puppy.  Serendipitously they're planning to put a pond in their garden so they're going to have ours plus things like the pump/fountain and marginal plants.  I'm really glad to have found a home for all those bits, so Husband and I could maybe sort that out this weekend.  I also read more on the Radio Cumbria website about being Bee-Friendly: I think my garden is already, this year, more Bee-Friendly than last year because I planted lots of flowers as I wanted more colour in the garden: certainly the bees have been busy around the foxgloves recently and earlier in the year there were several big fat Bumble Bees around.  I love the latter: they're so fat and furry and loud!

I decided a glass of wine was the way to relax this evening so I'm going to go to bed in a minute where I shall finish my glass of wine and read my book.  I hope my generally positive attitude comes back soon: I don't like being negative.