FOUR WEEKS

Where on earth have the last four weeks gone since the baby's birth?  Even the last week and a half since I last wrote in this blog seem to have disappeared somehow.

My apologies to any readers who find breast-feeding an embarrasing subject: I suggest you skip nearly all of this post.

I've been spending my time, it feels, either breast-feeding or with a sleeping baby: I have done little else (some washing up; sterilising bottles; washing laundry; been out and about to see people but generally while the baby sleeps).  The breast-feeding has not got any quicker nor is the baby any more settled after feeding, and I really am not producing that much more milk: which completely puts paid to the adage that the more you feed, the more milk you produce.  I've tried expressing a couple of times and didn't even get enough to cover the bottom of a bottle, despite the fact that at night a couple of times I have leaked a bit.

So I've been coming round more and more to thinking that I should maybe just call it a day and resort to bottle feeding, particularly with the prospect looming of having to do the school run.  I cannot feed the baby for 2 hours whilst also trying to get Older Son and Daughter dressed, breakfasted and to school.  In addition it helps nobody if the baby and I have been up half the night or more. 

I met Brampton Friend N. for a coffee at Off the Wall today.  As I was walking down I thought I'd ask her whether she had breast fed her daughter.  Imagine my relief when she told me she had had a similar experience to my current one, and what an enormous weight had been lifted from her shoulders when the Dr. told her, at her 6 week check-up, that she was allowed to give the baby a bottle.  I also remember Ante-Natal Friend S. giving her daughter a bottle in the evening at about 6 weeks: and feeling, as we all do who 'fail' to breastfeed, hideously guilty. 

Having finally made the decision I too felt as if a weight had been lifted from me.  I have conflicting feelings about it: this time was more of a success than the other two times but I've still failed; I said I'd like to breastfeed for 3-4 months but given up at 4 weeks: should I keep going?; am I giving up because it suits me and fits in rather than because I really need to?; should I try harder? 

I really don't think I can try harder though.  There are various 'breastfeeding rules' which I have come across time and time again and I've adhered to them all and it hasn't got any easier:
- I've fed the baby on demand and as long as he wants to, until he 'unlatches' of his own accord;
- I haven't given him a dummy;
- I haven't given him water;
- I've been drinking lots, especially water, myself, and have not been dieting;
- I've been ensuring he's well latched on.

I really don't think a bottle once in a while has made any difference: the key thing as far as I'm concerned is that I've been feeding for 2 hours or sometimes longer at a time and he's still been hungry: hungry enough sometimes to guzzle down a 4 oz bottle.  In addition, of course, because he's got used to feeding for ages at a time, he's now not sure what to do with himself when he's awake if he's not feeding (at only 4 weeks old I'm sure that will change).

If this sounds defensive, perhaps it is a little: I do think breastfeeding is generally best for babies and in many ways it's very easy - if you're producing plenty of milk.  I feel I have failed all of my children to an extent in not being able exclusively to breastfeed for 4 months.  On the other hand the two older children are healthy, the baby has probably had more milk from me than either of them did, and I'm not sure I really buy in to all the statistics bandied around about bottle feeding making them more susceptible to asthma, eczema and allergies generally.  The statistics and research about bottle vs. breast may be as reliable - i.e. as general - as those about older mothers.  And I'm sure that formula milk nowadays is developed to be as good as it possibly can be.

I can't deny that there are all sorts of things which will be easier if I don't breastfeed.  I shall be able to go out more easily: I shall be able to sing and to run again without feeling that at any moment the baby will need feeding by me.  I think he will probably get into a routine more easily (although Daughter never did....) and will settle more easily at night.  I shan't feel so tied: though at the same time I will also not feel that sense of pride, which I have had once or twice over the last few weeks, when he takes enough milk from me to be settled (having said that, he tends only then to sleep for an hour and a half or so before waking again).  I shall also not feel as if I have to disappear to a separate room when I have male guests round: I know it's meant to be perfectly acceptable to breastfeed completely openly, but I'm not relaxed about it and I don't like getting my boobs out in front of all and sundry.  And I shall be able to have a glass or two of wine without feeling guilty.

I get pregnant easily and I produce healthy babies, but I don't appear to be able to give birth naturally and I don't seem to be very good at breastfeeding: but I promised Husband I wasn't going to beat myself up about it if it didn't work this time.  It's difficult not to, especially as it was showing signs of working better (and has worked better) than on the previous two occasions: but as Bristol Friend S. said when I worried about not breast-feeding Daughter, at least I grow healthy babies.  And how can I really feel disappointed when at nearly 50 I have got pregnant quickly, accidentally, and produced the most beautiful, healthy baby son, who only gets really upset - and angry - when he's hungry?

While writing I just want to mention one of my Grade 7 songs: I haven't tried them all out on the baby yet but Bellini's Vaga Luna definitely calms him down, unless he's gone past the stage of no return in terms of demanding food.  He particularly likes it when I put the CD accompaniment on to sing it to.  He heard that so many times in late pregnancy when I was trying to learn the words: but also it's quite a soothing song.  Having struggled with it at times for the exam, I'm now quite looking forward to singing it at Carlisle Festival in March.  Talking of which, I must arrange for Bass W. and the accompanist to get together with me so we can rehearse the duet we're doing.  I think Bass W. has just the right voice for it: La Ci Darem La Mano from Don Giovanni.

We also had a lovely walk - twice around Talkin Tarn - with ex-work Friend L. earlier this week, and her dog Ruby.  It's really nice getting to know L. outside work but it was also good to feel that I'd had some exercise: and dog Ruby is lovely.

The other big news this week is that Pregnant Friend C. today gave birth to a baby girl: I thought - and hoped - she would have a girl and as we're going into Carlisle tomorrow anyway can't wait to buy some girly pink things: perhaps a dress and tights (I remember being delighted when Daughter, even as a tiny baby, was given some beautiful dresses: and we did dress her in them too).  I am so excited for her: and will now have to think up something else to call her other than 'Pregnant Friend' C.!

But meanwhile there is laundry to hang up and there are bottles to wash and sterilise before I go to bed............ off I go!  Let's hope that tonight, with bottles only, Baby Son sleeps for longer between feeds and feeds for less time than he has been doing: I shall report back anon.