STILL UNEMPLOYED

I was thinking that it was about time I wrote about being unemployed again as that's what my blog is entitled, but firstly I thought I'd mention something intriguing I read recently in some literature from the NHS.  Apparently eating apples in pregnancy may help prevent asthma in the offspring.  I remember reading while at Thatchers (which happens to be near to my parents) about the health-giving properties of cider.  Apples/cider: presumably cider could have the same asthma-preventative properties as apples?  I have to emphasise that I'm not drinking very much whilst pregnant, but what I have done is switch to cider rather than wine on days when I fancy a glass!
http://www.prnewswire.co.uk/cgi/news/release?id=85603

Back to unemployment.  Potentially I feel that I may not be for much longer: I had a letter from Cumbria County Council saying that a job I had applied for was now being considered only for internal applicants, but that if they didn't find anyone then they would be getting back to external candidates; I have an interview on Monday (tomorrow) though it's not for exactly the job I thought I was being put forward for by the recruitment agency; and I'm in the middle of two other applications.  

On the self-employed front there are people I have contacted about contract or freelance work who have said they will bear me in mind, and the talks in Keswick came up with some good ideas in terms of trying to sell some writing: I just need time to get the writing down on paper first!  Plenty to keep me busy, anyway.

Husband doesn't know whether he'll still be in his current job after November, but he's fairly confident he'd find something else.  I'm still convinced that quite a few people around will take early retirement if they can, and if allowed to it would mean more opportunities for people in their 30s and 40s, or at least will mean more likelihood of the younger people retaining their jobs.

Meanwhile Husband and I went out to supper to Huntington's Wine Bar in Brampton yesterday evening: he had arranged a babysitter (whom the kids loved) and for a couple of hours the sun shone into the wine bar while we enjoyed our dinner.  http://www.huntingtonsinformaldining.co.uk/  My stomach feels as if it's stretching again at the moment so I stuck to Salmon with a Herby Crust on a Creamy Chive sauce while Husband had one of Huntington's generous helpings of pasta: however I then couldn't resist warm Lemon Meringue Pie, one of my favourite desserts (so long as it is either warm or piping hot: cold it does nothing for me).  I'm not sure I 'ought' to have had meringue in case of undercooked eggs, but decided to risk it: after all most food is pretty well regulated nowadays.

Huntingtons is slightly reminiscent of a rural French bistro, but without the fussy decor, to my mind: but then slightly run down parts of rural England, like Brampton (and parts of Stroud in Gloucester) remind me of rural France anyway.  I think it's because the French don't tend to look after their historic buildings in rural areas in quite the way that people in the South East of England do: in the South East to live in a lovely sandstone building in rural Kent or Surrey is probably going to cost you quite a bit in mortgage payments.  Perhaps it's the same around Paris: perhaps the further removed you are from an affluent city the shabbier things can look.

Having said that, Brampton appears to be getting a bit of a face-lift recently and Husband and I were commenting on how even if one business closes down, two new ones will come to replace it.  The Howard Arms (mentioned in an earlier post) has been taken over and gone quite upmarket; Jacobites has moved to a bigger and more prominent position and is intending to open a bistro in the evenings; the Hole in the Wall has opened, a quite trendy coffee bar with a walkers' shop in front of it; and apparently there are plans for another cafe or restaurant.  Meanwhile Huntingtons has been going for 20 years and seems still to be going strong, judging by how busy it always is. 

What is nice is that we can just walk out of our house to go out for an enjoyable and good quality meal.

LOLLIPOP VINES

I can see myself over-doing the paint and wall stickers theme.  The latest are 'lollipop vines' which have gone up in the bathroom.  I think I should stop there for now: I'm very pleased with all the stickers so far but enough of a good thing is enough: though there will be the baby's room to do.....

Sad how hardly a moment goes by without thinking of or talking about the baby ('the Little Guy').  The exciting news this morning is that Friend C., who told me a few weeks' ago that she's pregnant, has now had her first scan.  11 weeks and 2 days so, as we thought, due about 4 weeks after me.  It will be great to have two babies close in age: I really enjoyed having 'friends' for Son and Daughter when we were in Bristol, particularly for Son as I was still fairly new to the city at that point and my ante-natal friends were a godsend.

Been feeling a bit yucky again yesterday and today (have just eaten my second packet of crisps of the day today), but nothing like as bad as in the earlier weeks: and I'm not so tired either.  I'm going into Carlisle tomorrow so am going to get some Gaviscon as it sounds as if it's OK to use when you're pregnant, and also I think my yucky feeling is more to do with poor digestion than actual nausea.

I heard my interview on Radio Cumbria yesterday.  It was very exciting!  I enjoyed listening to it, although I realised that I repeated 'absolutely' and 'completely' too often.  I'm not sure many other people will have noticed that, but it's something for me to watch out for next time.  I'm still somewhat amazed that people are interested in my story, but then I'm also still rather amazed to be pregnant: every time I go to the midwife or for a scan it's with a sense of wonder that there's still something there, living.  I thought I felt the baby move when I was in the bath the other day, but it's unlikely as it would be ridiculously early.  I also get a bit of an ache on my caesarian scar every-so-often, which I must talk to the midwife about.

If truth be told, I'm now beginning to quite enjoy being pregnant and I'm rather proud of myself for being so old.  I was talking to a neighbour earlier and she said that her cousin in Canada had recently had a perfectly healthy baby at age 48, so that was encouraging to hear.

I was on the phone to my Aunt yesterday and she asked what Husband was like as a Father.  He's fantastic.  He will do nappies and bottles and night feeds (if I'm not breast-feeding).  One of the highlights yesterday was in the early evening when peels of laughter were coming from Son's room as Husband played lego with the two children.  Today I'm going out at about 5.30pm and he's promised to do baking with them.  I'm going to a talk down in Keswick and to meet some writers, but there should be fresh fairy cakes for me when I get home!  That's another good trait of Husband's: he's an excellent cook.

Another highlight yesterday was Daughter's cycling prowess.  I took her up to Talkin Tarn after we'd dropped Son off at school, thinking I'd be lucky to get her round once and only with a lot of help (pushing and pulling) from me.  How wrong I was: she was doing brilliantly, and in fact was far bolder and more confident than her brother at the same stage.  We went round once, stopped to pick up pine cones and have an ice cream, and then she was off again, going back round the other way.  I was really proud of her and I think I may be able to take her stabilisers off soon.  However while she still has stabilisers it means I now feel more relaxed about taking the two of them on my own as I'll be able to help Son get his balance (his stabilisers came off a while ago but he hasn't practiced much since, and needs to be reassured that he can do it) as Daughter won't need constant help herself.  Their swimming is coming along well too: Son did some widths on his back without aids in his lesson (he put his feet down every-so-often but again it's just a matter of his gaining confidence) and Daughter's back stroke with armbands is great: I may try taking her out of armbands for a bit next time I take her.  She's got a really strong kick for one so small.  Talking of which, I put her in a skirt aged 18-24 months the other day: she's getting on for 4 and three-quarters!

I'm so lucky to have them, despite the squabbling and occasional naughtiness: what did I do to deserve a third?!

BACK TO BEING EXCITED AND OPTIMISTIC!

It's been a good week.

I enjoyed my job interview at William Howard school, although I didn't get the job.  In some ways it's a relief as whilst working only 12 hours per week would have been great, by the time the baby is in need of childcare my take-home pay would have only just covered the childcare costs!

It was nice to see people from work on Wednesday.  Not so good that everything's very uncertain for them, but I'm sure that ultimately everything will work out for the best for all of us.  I'm assuming that those who want to take voluntary redundancy will now be given it, and everyone should get at least a year's salary (gross) once the whole thing is wound up.  I think people are understandly nervous about whether they can get new jobs: there are a few jobs around but more competition for them.  I have to say I do think the entire public sector is heavily over-staffed: it's just whether the 'right' cuts are made: whether the dead wood and inefficient or unnecessary roles will in fact be the ones to go.

I had some promising news this morning, which is that I'm still being considered for a Senior Manager post I had been put forward for.  Mixed feelings about it as it pays well but would be full time and involve lots of travelling - great this time next year but possibly not so great at the moment!  However I think it would be a really interesting job and I would at least like to get an interview.

I enjoy interviews - as I said at my William Howard interview, I enjoy meeting people.  So it was a pleasure to be interviewed by Mike Parr of Radio Cumbria again this morning, and to be told that they'd like to follow my pregnancy and interview me once in a while.  What is it about 'performing' and the limelight that is so seductive?  I've discussed it before with my singing teacher - some of us just have a yen to 'perform', even if we have doubts about how good (or even competent!) we are.  Is it that for some of us that's our way of pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone?  Is it that the plaudits for doing something well are so satisfying that they outweigh the nervousness of performing?  I still clearly remember the fantastic feeling, at the age of 9, when I got a laugh each night of the school play at one of my lines: it took me aback the first time as I hadn't expected any reaction at all: but what a joyous feeling, to feel that the audience is reacting with pleasure to something you've done!

I'm also cautiously optimistic about the baby.  A friend down the road had a 1 in 50 predicted chance of Downs with her little girl (now 2) and had an amnio, and the little girl is absolutely fine.  I'm so hoping that once I get the amnio out of the way I can relax and enjoy being pregnant more: and also enjoy the summer with the children.  I really should relish the fact that I've got lots of time with them, and enjoy them: it would be great if I could put off starting a job until September.  Son in particular comes out with some interesting comments at the moment: he's always been interested in animals but he's becoming more and more aware of the environment around us.  I had to strip his bed this morning and was intrigued and amused to find Richard Scarry's What do people do all day?; a set of crayons; various pieces of lego; a notebook, which he's been drawing Star Wars characters in; a model Red Arrow; and sundry soft toys including William the Dragon who has recently been patched after Son's experiment at cutting him open.  Daughter's bed was somewhat less cluttered: she fell asleep clutching two small soft toys last night.

Time to hang up the washing, have some lunch and do a big pile of ironing.  Two more jobs to apply for over the next couple of weeks, which is good.  I hope Sister-in-Law-to-be and Brother-in-Law are having a smooth flight to the Bahamas for their two weeks sailing in the sun.  Sounds like bliss so long as they can relax, swim, sightsee and read books and don't have gusty sailing for hours each day.

POEMS

I felt like putting some poems up here today, in order to share them with other people.  They speak for themselves.

Then Almitra spoke again and said, And what of Marriage, master?
And he answered saying:
Together you shall be for evermore.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness.
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls..........
from 'The Prophet' by Kahlil Gibran

Things
There are worse things than behaving foolishly in public.
There are worse things than these miniature betrayals,
committed or endured or suspected; there are worse things
than not being able to sleep for thinking about them.
It is 5 a.m.  All the worse things come stalking in
and stand icily about the bed looking worse and worse and worse.
Fleur Adcock

The Parent
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
Ogden Nash

Friendship

Such love I cannot analyse;
It does not rest in lips or eyes,
Neither in kisses nor caress.
Partly, I know, it's gentleness.

And understanding in one word
Or in brief letters. It's preserved
By trust and by respect and awe.
These are the words I'm feeling for.

Two people, yes, two lasting friends.
The giving comes, the taking ends.
There is no measure for such things.
For this all Nature slows and sings.
Elizabeth Jennings

TIREDNESS: OR PARANOIA?

Another beautiful evening after a drizzly, windy day.  The evening sun isn't quite as golden as yesterday but somehow is brighter, lighter.

I got a phone call from Newcastle Royal Victoria Infirmary today: i.e. I'm in the high risk category for Down's Syndrome.  The good news is that my purely age-related risk was 1 in 10 and the nuchal scan and maternal serum screening has lowered the risk to 1 in 51.  The bad news is that medically anything worse than 1 in 150 or even 1 in 250 (depending which consultant you speak to) counts as a high risk.  I had an amniocentsis booked in Carlisle already, just in case, so I shall keep that appointment.  Not quite sure whether to take the children or not as they'll be on holiday then.

My main feeling is one of disappointment.  I was rather hoping the risk might come down to something like 1 in 300, which is what it was for Son, but I guess if they take age into account there's a limit to just how much the risk can be lowered.  Unfortunately nobody was able to tell me the mathematical probability (I did ask), as if someone had said that I was definitely still going to be high risk anyway I would have saved myself the money and the trip to Newcastle and gone straight for the amnio: particularly as the Newcastle consultant was fairly grumpy and non-committal.

What worries me is that the negative part of me has already more-or-less convinced myself that I'm carrying a baby with Downs: and my worries multiplied when a friend sent me a text asking me how I felt; what my 'gut reaction' was.  I don't know what I'll do if I have a baby with Downs.  Some people would envy me having a third child at all: but I don't actually think I'm a tolerant enough mother to cope with a disabled child.  On the other hand I do not think I could have a termination and I also think that things occur for a reason and you just have to get on with it.  It could also be a lot worse than Downs: I only have to remind myself of London Friend F. whose second daughter was badly brain-damaged at birth and who may never walk nor talk, a situation for which London Friend and her husband were completely unprepared.

Friend-who-has-just-Adopted and who is gloriously positive pointed out that a 1 in 51 chance means 2% likelihood of Downs and 98% chance of not having Downs: so fingers crossed.  I feel rather ashamed of myself being so negative but put it in part down to tiredness.  Daughter came through at about 2.30 this morning and when I went to get in her bed instead of being squashed on the edge of mine, I found her duvet was soaking.  We've put her back in nighttime pants as she's - unusually - had regular accidents at night recently - but the Tinker had taken them off, so when she made her own bed wet she came through to ours. 

I was then awake until about 5 a.m. as once I'd woken up my mind was a whirl of questions and considerations about getting a new job when you're pregnant; writing to David Cameron to tell him what he should do about the public sector; writing to Mike Mitchelson (local councillor) to tell him what he should do to get more rental income coming in for the Council... etc.  In the end I got up and sent some emails, found some job websites, and wrote a list of other things I need to do.

Son beautifully read Tiddler by Julia Donaldson to Daughter and me at bedtime.  I've suggested he take it into school to read to his class.  It's been one of my children's favourites since we acquired it, but it was lovely to have him reading to me rather than the other way round.

We went to see former neighbours K&E on the way home from school today, who have a new Border Collie puppy.  Serendipitously they're planning to put a pond in their garden so they're going to have ours plus things like the pump/fountain and marginal plants.  I'm really glad to have found a home for all those bits, so Husband and I could maybe sort that out this weekend.  I also read more on the Radio Cumbria website about being Bee-Friendly: I think my garden is already, this year, more Bee-Friendly than last year because I planted lots of flowers as I wanted more colour in the garden: certainly the bees have been busy around the foxgloves recently and earlier in the year there were several big fat Bumble Bees around.  I love the latter: they're so fat and furry and loud!

I decided a glass of wine was the way to relax this evening so I'm going to go to bed in a minute where I shall finish my glass of wine and read my book.  I hope my generally positive attitude comes back soon: I don't like being negative.

SAILING ON WINDERMERE

As I write glorious golden evening sun is shining, quite unlike the rest of today which has been grey and dismal.  It started raining at about breakfast time and I decided I'd take the children to Rheged soft play on the way home from Windermere, as they didn't really find sailing all that exciting yesterday.  I'm glad I chose that option: the others got drenched and cold (and the children and I didn't even have suitable waterproofs) and it was windy and gusting out on the Lake, which I'm not sure the children would have enjoyed.  If I'm honest I'm not sure I would have either, I've been feeling so nauseous again recently.

Sailing yesterday was a different matter.  It was sunny all afternoon and we sailed up to Ambleside and back.   The Lake District was its usual beautiful green self and the white sails on the lake were set off by the glittering water and blue sky with cotton-wool-ball clouds.  Once the children had decided to come up on deck they quite enjoyed it, though it was difficult for them not to meddle with things.  They have such enquiring minds, which is a healthy attribute but sometimes an annoying and even potentially dangerous one!

Sister-in-Law-to-be, who is lovely and, I feel, a new friend, and I were talking about how men take things so seriously.  Yesterday there was really no need for any panic while we were sailing: the times when we needed more control we had the engine on, though having said that the lake was busy so we had to watch out for other craft.  Yet the men once or twice made comments as if things needed doing with split-second timing.  I'm sure that was more the case today.  I think if we end up going on a flotilla holiday around the Greek islands I'm going to have to try just to sunbathe, swim, relax and enjoy it.  Maybe I can use looking after the children as my excuse not to be 'crew' as I really can't be bothered to flap that much, and being bossed about annoys me: Sister-in-Law-to-be is a far kinder and nicer person than I am and far more tolerant of being organised and told what to do by other people.  But then I was ever a boshie little madam - or a brat, as Husband called me when we first started going out.  Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised that Daughter is so wilfully disobedient and lippy, and can turn on the waterworks when she's told off.....

Husband had run from Pooley Bridge, via High Street, Haweswater, Mardale Head and Kentmere, to Troutbeck and then Windermere and we met him back at Bowness.  His run had taken him over an hour less than expected but unfortunately as everyone thought he had arranged to meet us in Ambleside, we had sailed up to Ambleside to meet him only for him to phone to say he was in Booths in Windermere.   This meant that unfortunately he missed out on yesterday's pleasant and calm sailing and only partook of today's soaking!  However he, Son and I all enjoyed swimming in the lake yesterday evening.   Son particularly loved being towed on a rope ('surfing') from one end of the boat to the other and I got a short video on my camera which resonates with his excited laughter, and everyone else's laughter at his pleasure.  I felt full of air (which is think is a large contributor to the nauseous feeling, as I can't burp properly), which wasn't great for swimming, as otherwise I might have stayed in a bit longer.  The photo of me is awful but proof I got in!

The children and I were discussing baby names on the way back in the car.  Son particularly wants a boy, to be called Harry: I'm not that keen, though it did lead me to consider 'Harriet' for a girl, which apparently means 'home maker'.  I also then remembered 'Anastasia' though I think I'd always wonder if she was going to die a horrible untimely death.  Neither child liked the name 'James', which was more-or-less what Husband and I had decided on for another Son.

Daughter has finally fallen asleep - at 9.15 pm - and it's time I did too.  I wonder what surprises this week has in store for me, or indeed for us as a family.

COMPLETION OF SOME TASKS!

I finally subdued my pride and asked Mother-in-Law whether she would mind coming down to help decorate.  As it turned out, she did nearly all the work and I did very little, but Daughter now has a pink bedroom and the bathroom is pristine and white.  I've done enough extra painting in the hall that we can now hang the huge mirror I bought some time ago, once we get around to drilling the holes.  I think it will be a two-man job so I shall have to get Husband involved.

My contribution to Daughter's bedroom was some wall stickers from Djeco: a princess height chart and a 'poem tree'.  I bought and stuck up a 'knight and dragon' height chart on Son's wall as well.  I love the Djeco products: I first came across them when someone gave Daughter a Djeco jigsaw, which led to my searching for the company on the internet and finding a stockist in the UK.

I've come to the conclusion that paint and stickers is the way to go, so having done a further internet search for wall stickers in general, have ordered some 'Lollipops' for the bathroom wall.  They grow up the wall like flowers and are in lovely bright colours, which will be a tasteful but pleasant contrast to the white-with-a-little-bit-of-turquoise of the bathroom generally.  I don't want to clutter it up, but a little additional colour will just, I hope, be a finishing touch.

While Mother-in-Law was busy doing all our painting - and our ironing - Father-in-Law, who had originally arranged to come down to put up a new fence for us, busied himself taking up roots in the garden.  I'm very excited as I can now just clear the area of other unwanted growth on top of the wall where the 'bee garden' is going, and then add some extra soil, move some rocks, transplant some heather and - hey presto! - bee garden!

I had to sign on this week so spent most of Wednesday in Carlisle.  I went for a swim, which as usual was great (I love swimming, it just sometimes takes me a while to motivate myself to go), signed on (proud to tell them I had applied for 3 jobs last week), and then had lunch with Friend-who-recently-adopted.  It was great to see her: she really cheered me up and I realised I had been getting a bit negative recently.  Her Daughter is making fantastic progress from a neglected, abused, late developer to a perfectly normal child.  It's such a happy story.  She adopted because she and her husband couldn't have children, but she is also so excited, pleased and sympathetic about my pregnancy.  Life seems so unfair: there are so many people who want children and can't and then those who don't really mind one way or another and end up with (potentially) three.

I'm now between 13 and 14 weeks pregnant, so past the most likely time to miscarry.  We went for a nuchal scan and maternal serum screening yesterday.  No definitive results as yet, so still time to worry!  The nuchal translusancy looked normal, however, so it's just a case of waiting for the blood test results.  If they phone before the end of Tuesday I'm high risk: if I get no phone call I'm low risk.  We also saw the baby on a 3D scan.  That was really weird, and because it was moving the still photo looks rather funny (the baby looks as if it has a pig nose).  It's still mostly skin and bone with very little flesh, so not exactly attractive: and its liver looks enormous.  Looking at it now I can see its little ribs, and the fingers of one hand.   Amazing.  The good news is that everything the Dr. looked at looks normal for this stage: which I also find amazing.  This baby, according to statistics (fertility; miscarriage) isn't even meant to be here!

Husband and I then went to have dinner at the Howard Arms in Brampton before coming home.  He had Moroccan Chicken with Rice (which apparently had a little bit of lemon butter in it, so was delicate and moist) and I had the Cumbrian Beef and Wainwrights Ale pie.  Both were delicious and the selection of salad and vegetables was good.  The two guys who own it remembered us and came up to say 'hello', which was nice.  Definitely somewhere to go again: and a good place for visitors to this area to stay.

Today I've felt nauseous and incredibly tired again, but had some more good news.  I have an interview on Tuesday for one of the jobs for which I applied, and then Radio Cumbria phoned to ask whether the presenter who interviewed me a few weeks ago about mothers in their 40s could have a longer chat with me.  I guess it's coming up to the Silly Season when there's not much news around.....

Tomorrow we're off sailing on Windermere, and I think it may be a good opportunity to take some photos and to do some more descriptive writing about this beautiful county.  So there may be a new post on Sunday evening or on Monday. 

Meanwhile I'm off for a bath and bed: the children are quietly sitting in front of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I've asked Husband to deal with them this evening.  He's been feeling nauseous today as well but I'm afraid I'm not terribly sympathetic: I've been feeling like that on and off for almost two months!