I'm beginning to think that this blog is becoming just a series of posts about the Baby, and that perhaps that's not wildly exciting for readers - after all, loads of people have babies and go through all the things I'm going through - it's very commonplace. I suppose not everybody writes about it and not everybody has a newborn at age 49.
Every parent feels that their children are unique and special but it doesn't mean I have to write about it. I guess what made me think about stopping was the fact that someone had written that blogs were really just extended christmas circular letters, and I have to admit that I had been thinking along similar lines. On the other hand for me it's also a way of keeping my 'sometimes diary' but doing so online rather than on paper: and if friends read it to catch up with what I've been up to then that's nice too.
Things are still somewhat mixed. I haven't sung since Carlisle Festival. I have felt low in energy and a little low emotionally, although yesterday my mood lifted a bit - despite the rain and wind. I've been stressed about money - our mortgage payment nearly bounced - and realised that of course I was used to having a decent monthly salary and being more-or-less in charge of the household expenses: I've now had no salary for a year and looking on the job websites there's not much around either. Having said that I can't really get my head around working at the moment: the Baby is only just 3 months old after all.
The Baby has gone to sleep so I'm going to take advantage of Husband working from home today to go out for a run while the rain has stopped. But two things happened this week which got my woes in perspective.
Firstly, Running Friend P's step-daughter has a tumour. She's only about 12 or 13 and fortunately it's not malign, but still it has meant a stay in hospital, a lot of worry and uncertainty, and now an operation. It made me glad that my 3 children are healthy: and reminded me of how scared one gets when one's child is ill. I remember only too well Daughter's hospital visits aged 4 weeks (with bronchiolitis - I was terrified but a mother with a baby son with meningitis in hospital at the same time got things in proportion that time) and then with what was basically an asthma attack at 15 months. Both times were scarey because she was struggling to breathe, and of course the first time she was so tiny: Baby Son at 3 months is larger and more robust and, fortunately, healthier anyway. The good thing about Daughter's second hospital visit was that it was the time that I really felt I bonded with her. I can still see in my mind's eye this little tot walking towards in me in pyjamas and dressing gown saying, 'Mamma': it was the first time I remember her saying it (she'd said plenty of other things before, just nothing personal to me, or not that I'd noticed!).
The second thing is that Phil, a guy who worked at my former employers, has died. He wasn't much older than me and leaves children of only 8 and 4 and a wife. He had had a long fight against cancer a year or more ago and seemed to have beaten it, but unfortunately it came back. Recently I didn't manage to go to visit him with ex-work friend L. as Baby had a cold and I didn't want to pass it on to someone with a low immune system, but I understand that he was very frail. I'm glad for Phil's sake that he didn't suffer for months and months, but feel so sad for his family: and I'm sure he will also have been sad to leave them. I would be in despair if any of my children died, but I also very much hope that I will live to see them grow up to be happy and fulfilled adults, perhaps with families of their own.
Not long after the Baby was born I heard about someone else I know whose son, aged 8 or 9, had suddenly died: they're not sure of what. Again it made me appreciate my life. I think your children dying is probably the worst thing that can happen to you, particularly when they're still small. In this case the child was also apparently perfectly healthy. Human life is so frail: and then at other times so remarkably robust.
In addition I shouldn't forget the people in Japan. Many thousands have died in the tsunami; many have lost their homes; and now more again are scared of high levels of radioactivity in their food. We may not have much money coming in but we have a roof over our heads, clean water, heating, possessions and our health: and 3 gorgeous, healthy children. We also have hardly any debt, which is something to be relieved about.
In terms of the singing, it's a good hobby to have and I'm lucky that I'm a reasonable standard. I also need to remember, without making excuses for myself (I hope), that it's only possible for it to be a part of my life - I have a lot of other things to do - and also that I had a baby just 3 months ago, and only one lesson since early December. I perhaps need to be less hard on myself, but I also want to be realistic. I am never going to have a career as a singer and I completely accept that, but I would like some paid solo work.
I think another part of my worry at the moment is that I have too many options: do I try to get a freelance lifestyle going; do I start my own business; or do I just try to get a part-time surveying job? With the tiredness from a newborn I don't feel able to think straight let alone make decisions about what I do with my life! I'm also concerned about the fact that I'm coming up to 50, and whilst I know I may have another 20 years working life left, will employers consider that?
However, without meaning to sound 'preachy', I have a lot to be thankful for: and the recession and the restrictions on money will not last for ever. Money always turns up from somewhere and I've always managed to find work before. And meanwhile I must get out for that run before the Baby awakes or the rain restarts!
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