The weather has been fantastic this week and earlier I was enjoying just sitting looking out of my study - the baby's bedroom - window at the view. You're so much more aware of the seasons living in the country: I can see that the trees are beginning to have new leaf buds on them.
I was going to begin this post with a reference to my dream of being a TV presenter. Not only would I like to present history and music programmes but also a car review type programme along the lines of Top Gear. Not Top Gear itself as I think the trio of presenters works well, although you can just imagine chucking a woman in amongst them - the sexist insults would abound ('what do you know about cars, you're only a girl') although having said that they've had some pretty amazing women drivers on.
However I think it was possibly taking the Top Gear dream a little too far when I allowed my car, on Tuesday, to get down to empty - really empty. On Tuesday evening it was telling me I had 15 miles range left: on Wednesday morning when we left to take Husband to work and then the kids to school it said I had 0 miles range. The indicator wasn't right down to the far left hand red line so I was cautiously optimistic that we would get to the nearest fuel station 3 miles away or so, but Husband was not impressed. All I could think of was the time on Top Gear when they drove 3 cars, including a gas-guzzling one, to Blackpool in time to turn on the lights - and all made it despite the cars appearing to have run out of fuel completely. Husband I think did not particularly understand my desire to emulate that occasion.
This came about because we are so broke. I wasn't getting my maternity allowance until Wednesday, Husband is skint because he's had to pay extra into the joint account to cover the mortgage payment and so forth, which almost bounced this month. I really shouldn't have bought those two pairs of earrings and the books for the children when we were in Aberdeen in February. I hope Woman magazine pay me when they say they will - even though the majority of it is already earmarked for a piano repair which has been carried out in part and for which I was putting aside part of my inheritance from my Aunt (that got spent on christmas presents).
I'm sure it will all improve. I meant to tell ex-work friend L., who was getting depressed about lack of jobs with reasonable salaries, about how I chucked in my well-paid job at Westminster City Council to be a holiday rep. and that whilst my salary when I got back was low, after a few years not only was I earning considerably more but kept getting promoted as well. Sometimes I think you have to go backwards to go forwards further, and that was certainly part of the thinking when I took voluntary redundancy. I hadn't anticipated the 'going forwards further' to include a new baby, but on the other hand whilst my story in relation to him and my age has not yet earned me massive amounts of money, I'm sure something will come of it.
In the same way I'm sure something will come of my appearances on Radio Cumbria. The latest is that one of the Production guys has said he'll help me make a demo CD of a programme idea I've had. I'm really impressed by how supportive and helpful he's being - I guess part of his job is getting new programme material and ideas, but he's making quite an effort for me. I felt far more cheerful after speaking to him than I had for a while, and came to the conclusion that it's the Radio Cumbria effect: I always feel cheerful going in there as well.
Being interviewed also makes me feel good and whilst there is no money in either of these, I was interviewed for the Sunday Telegraph on Monday (and was given lunch at the Gilded Lily, which was nice) and then am being interviewed for the local paper soon - probably next week as they want the children as well (and ideally Husband, though I'm not sure they'll get him - he's not very keen and has the excuse of having to do lots of overtime because it's year end. I'll let him off the photos but I think he could at least talk to the journalist!).
The other thing that made me feel better this week was being insulted by L., the wife of accompanist M. I was saying how despondent I'd felt about my performances at Carlisle Festival and she said that she thought I'd looked dreadful: and also that I had after all only just had a baby. Maybe I really was lacking in energy and that affected my performances - not that I think I would have done any better against the competition, but I might have felt that I had performed better if I had felt more energetic at the time. It just seemed like a long time away from the three children and Husband, and I felt guilty as well that I'd left Husband to deal with them for so long: especially as the Baby is so used to being with me rather than anyone else (I don't remember feeling quite so attached with the other two: maybe it's because this time I am so conscious that this is my last go at being a mother to a newborn baby, and I really appreciate it and feel so lucky that it happened).
I had a thought in relation to having children late the other day. I'd already considered that I grew up late - I was more like a screwed up teenager in my 20s and did what a lot of 20-somethings do in my 30s (being a holiday rep.; going clubbing; falling for unsuitable and non-committal men; developing my career) and so perhaps it was inevitable that it would be in my 40s that I'd do what many people do in their 30s - get married and settle down and produce offspring. But I then had another thought along similar lines. You go through your life trying out various personae: clubber; careerwoman; sportswoman; mother. The trouble with the last is that you can't just walk away from it if you don't like it: but then your overwhelming love for your miraculous children prevents you from doing so. Or at least, it does in most circumstances. And aren't they all just miracles? There are billions of people on this earth and yet each one is unique and a miracle. It's astounding, but I don't think you really appreciate it until you hold a newborn baby in your arms. Just before any childfree people feel insulted, I don't mean only parents appreciate the miracle: I mean that it's watching a baby blossom and develop into a toddler, a child and then an adult is quite amazing.
I've managed to write relatively little about the Baby in this post but I did want to note that I had him weighed yesterday, at nearly 14 weeks. He was 15lb 5oz and is nearly 75th centile now for weight! I also did a rough measurement of his length at home last night (I wanted to check that he wasn't just short and very fat) and he's also currently quite long. I then looked at Older Son's record and he was almost exactly the same weight and height at the same age: but is now definitely slim and one of the shortest in his class. So who knows how they'll turn out as adults!
Older Son wanted to sleep in bed with me the other night so I told him he could provided that he read to the Baby to get him to go to sleep. He read a book about sharks. It reminded me of the scene in Three Men and a Baby where one of the guys is reading an account of a baseball match to the baby girl, and says that it doesn't matter what you read, it's your tone of voice that counts. The Baby certainly seems just to love people talking to him, whatever rubbish it is: and will often burst into giggles about very little.
But I shall stop writing about my beautiful children and go off to bed. I get so cross with the older two at times: but I do so thank God or Nature or whatever for them. I wish I could learn not to get so wound-up: but I'm a mother - I have to have several things to be guilty about!
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