A GREY DAY

It was beautifully hot and sunny over the weekend: in fact a bit too uncomfortably hot for me, to be honest: I feel so lethargic at the moment.  But I can't complain when, for instance, we went down to Derwentwater on Sunday afternoon and took a rowing boat out on the lake.  It was glorious and the kids loved every moment.

The weather changed this morning.  It's been grey and overcast all day and far, far cooler.  One of the Mums at school commented that I looked tired, so it's not just my imagination. 

I'm in a rather gloomy mood.  Nearly 3 weeks to wait for a dating scan, by which time I'll be 10 weeks pregnant: which is fine so long as I am still pregnant.  I feel tired and nauseous in the mornings, which is a good sign (and also grumpy and emotional), but I'm just rather nervous as when I previously had a miscarriage I had no symptoms whatsoever.  I've had a tiny bit of brown spotting recently but I feel that unless it gets worse it's not worth calling the Dr. or midwife - my appointment on 14th June will at least confirm whether things are progressing or not.

I've been doing a bit of historical research.  The Plantagenets in particular throw up some interesting examples of obviously strong women. Eleanor of Acquitaine was 45 when she had the child who became King John (the notorious): in turn John's second wife Isabella of Angouleme, by her second marriage to Hugh of Lusignan, had a final child when she was 46.  Eleanor of Castile was 43 when she had her 16th child, who was to become King Edward II.  Philippa of Hainault was 43 when she had Thomas of Woodstock, in 1355.  There then seem to be few similar examples until Elizabeth Woodville, Edward IV's wife: by her second marriage her final daughter was born when she was 43. 

In contrast, Queen Anne is known for her 17 pregnancies but the oldest any of her children lived to was 11: and her last pregnancy was at the age of 33.   Her sister Mary (as of 'WilliamandMary the Orange') appears to have been infertile.  But who knows how many more children Queen Victoria, who was obviously made of stern stuff, might have had if Albert hadn't died?  Her youngest daughter, Beatrice, was born to her when she ws 38: Albert died not long after, putting a stop to any more child-bearing for Victoria.

I shall do some more research on the subject and see what I can find out about the various medical histories of these women, and their families generally.  It fascinates me that women in medieval times were able to have tens of children and still carry on child-bearing into what would have been perceived as old age, and in some cases then live for another 15 or 20 years, despite the odds of the time.

As I write it has brightened up a little outside.  I doubt the weather will be noticed much by the parents of the two children who died yesterday in a school bus crash near Keswick.  One was celebrating her 16th birthday.  Road deaths in Cumbria seem high, and all too often to include young people.  What a waste of life, and so quickly and easily snuffed out.  I sat watching the news while I was having my lunch with tears rolling down my face.  That seems rather melodramatic when I knew none of the participants, and when their families and friends must be feeling so much anguish.  But I think as much as anything I cry with relief that my two gorgeous children are alive, and healthy, and happy, and I thank whatever miraculous power exists - be it even only the lifeforce - for them.  Awake they are lively, cheeky, confident, bright and beautiful children and can drive me potty.  Asleep they still have their baby faces, unknowing that I have gone in to kiss each of them, to tell them I love them and wish them sweet dreams. 

RIP to the two who died yesterday, and also the driver of the car involved in the crash.

My job search continues but without much luck at the moment.  I spoke to a publisher this morning who told me there are few freelance proof-reading opportunities around at the moment, although she was able to suggest some specialist surveying avenues I could try.   The TEFL course I'm thinking of doing doesn't begin until the end of August, which is probably good timing in fact, but seems a long way off.  I'm not good at sitting around waiting for things!  I know of about 4 jobs coming up, but none has been advertised yet....  My gloom arises from lack of income coming in: I don't want to use up all my redundancy payment on living expenses, but I fear that it will all too quickly disappear.

However I do believe that positive thinking helps generate positive things happening, so I must get myself out of this slough of despond and cheer up.  Lanercost Festival Chorus yesterday was really good: we all sang well and I felt asthough I'd really been getting some fresh oxygen in and out of my lungs!  Tomorrow I have a singing practice with Pianist D.  She's playing at a party we're holding, and I'm singing, and then we're going to market ourselves to wine bars, restaurants, etc.: so long as it goes OK tomorrow and at the party.  I'm still nervous that I'm not good enough but then I've heard so-called professional singers who are probably no better than me: and Pianist D is an excellent musician.

So I'd better go to get some more music sorted out and make the children's tea.....