UPS AND DOWNS

First midwife's appointment yesterday.  Like an idiot I came home and looked up the percentage likelihood of someone of my age having a miscarriage and was shocked to find that within the first 6 weeks at least it's something like 80%.  As I didn't feel queasy at all yesterday afternoon and have had funny stomach feelings on and off, I was immediately convinced that the new life that had begun inside me had ceased: and felt somewhat upset.

A bike ride out to Lanercost, Banks, Birdoswald and back along the 'B' road just north of that, turning off to Walton and back to Brampton, in the glorious evening sunshine with incredible views, cheered me up.  It wasn't a fast ride but it was a good feeling to be back on my bike pedalling along in this lovely countryside.  Although the photo above is from last year, the sunshine is similar.  The photo is taken from one of my favourite running spots, at the gate leading into the back of Talkin Tarn.

I then had a horrible dream last night during which I had a miscarriage: needless to say I won't go into details.  Today I have been fairly convinced that it's 'all stop' (as opposed to 'all go') but I then started thinking that perhaps that's what I want.  Truth is I'm not sure and my emotions are still rather up and down.

My other dream last night was more surreal and was about singing at Son's school on Friday.  The dream went through my lesson plan in some detail, and accurately, but the children were all misbehaving and there weren't very many of them.  I guess we dream about things which are bothering us in one way or another.

My emotional turmoil today may also be due in part to tiredness: Daughter ended up in my bed last night so what with that and the bad dreams I slept badly, and she woke me up early.  She was also in a bad mood and tired as she had gone to bed late as well.  We both had hysterics with each other this morning, her sobbing her eyes out and winding me up more and more, and me getting cross.  Eventually I calmed down and gave her a big hug but by that time her eyes and face were red and her nose running and I felt like a complete louse.  I still feel bad about it now.

I also think that going to sign on doesn't help.  I am genuinely putting a lot of effort into trying to get work: I don't want only £65 per week for the foreseeable future: and the people in the JobCentre comment on how much effort I'm making.  However I still somehow feel as if I'm trying to con the government and that I shouldn't really be there: besides the fact that I just feel completely out of place and find it depressing.  This is despite nowadays their having carpet on the floor and fabric-covered chairs and not keeping you waiting in a long queue: it's all quite civilized but it's still, at the end of the day, signing on.  And you have to show the record of what you've done to look for work, and go on courses they want you to go on: etc. etc.

Still, I have to go for my singing lesson now and that always cheers me up.  My teacher is a lovely, cheerful lady and singing is a therapy in itself.